If I did it, here's how it happened
by Myrtle the Tyrtle
Summary: Harry Potter is dead! But who did it? None of our suspects have [or have they?], but are explaining how they would have. You can join in too! See inside for details. Contains HG, RHr, DG, DHr, HHr, ColinUmbridge and more. WARNING may cause sides to split!
1. Chapter 1: Voldy

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE ONE – TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE**

**Birth Name: **Tom Marvolo Riddle

**Aliases: **Lord Voldemort, He Who Must Not Be Named, The Dark Lord, You-Know-Who

**Hogwarts House: **Slytherin

**Allegiance in the War: **Death Eaters

**Tom Marvolo Riddle's statement is given below:**

Contrary to popular belief, I did not kill Harry Potter.

Of course, nobody is going to believe this because (a) my hobbies include murdering people, and (b) I've had it out for Harry ever since my faithful Death Eater heard about that Prophecy about the boy and myself all those years ago.

But this is why I did not kill Harry Potter: I've had a change of heart.

Yes, you may laugh, but it's true. The great evil wizard, Lord Voldemort has decided to turn himself in for crimes against humanity. But why, you may ask.

It's simple.

(a) I had heard that Harry was coming after me and I wanted to seek sanction from the Ministry, and (b) there was a Million Galleon reward price on my head. You get kind of desperate when the only things left to eat are your Horcruxes and your less faithful servants.

Anyway, just plain out killing Harry with the _Avada Kedavra_ wouldn't have been good enough for me. Not after all the years, servants and Horcruxes I've had to put myself through for that insignificant brat.

If I _had _done it – which I will remind you I _didn't_ – I would have probably just used the Cruciatus Curse until he died of the pain. And if he somehow happened to turn out like the Longbottoms and survive intense hours of pain, I would have used various other spells like the Cutting Spell (which is incidentally good at dealing with those times you want to kill yourself but can't do it so you decided to slice open your pale flesh and watch the red blood ooze out onto the carpet) and the burning spell _Incendio_ (a nice little spell for getting the blood out of the carpet).

So, there you are, how I would have liked to kill the brat if I hadn't given up. Anyway, Mr. Auror, seeing as you've got me here now, I think I should be getting the million galleons you promised the person that caught Voldy.

What do you mean, I'm not eligible?

Avada Kedavra!

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**A/N: **OK, so its a bit on the short side. But Harry's dead, so I didn't have time to write much. Had to try and figure out who dunnit and everything else.

So Voldy didn't do it, who was it?

If you have any ideas, drop them off to me in a review. Otherwise, use the review system to tell me what you like and/or dislike about the fic and I'll endeavour to make it all better.

Myrtle. 


	2. Chapter 2: WonWon

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE TWO – RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY**

**Birth Name: **Ronald Billius Weasley

**Aliases: **Ron, Won-Won

**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor

**Allegiance in the War: **Hogwarts, Dumbledore's Army, Order of the Phoenix

**Ronald Billius Weasley's statement is given below:**

What? You think I killed Harry Potter? No! Never! He was my best mate!

Well, OK, yes it is true that we weren't talking at the time that he, er, died. But it wasn't my bloody fault, all right? It was all his fault! Him and that daft sister of mine, going off and getting married the day she got out of school.

My best mate and my sister! Yes, I know it would drive a man crazy enough to kill someone, thank you, Mister Auror, but I did not kill Harry Potter.

Besides, I don't think a bloke marrying a girl would make you angry enough to use the Avada Kedavra… would it?

What do you mean, how do I know it was Avada Kedavra? Well, I, uh, suppose you told me. Or I guessed it.

Yeah, that's a bit more likely.

I mean, Harry's a wanted man. That You-Know-Who character who I saw outside just a minute ago, he's had it in for him ever since that Prophecy was made about the two of them when Harry was a baby.

You don't know it?

Well, basically it says that one has to kill the other, blah blah blah… nothing majorly important, right?

What do you mean, not for someone who just killed Harry Potter?

Hang on… wait a second… you think I killed Harry Potter?

Yes, I know I've said that line before, but you keep giving me these biscuits, see, and I want more, and I've run out of things to say.

Oh, so if I _did_ kill Harry, how would I do it… well, I suppose… I might feed him to Pig…

That could work.

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**A/N: **Hmm… did that denial of the murder get Ron off the hook? Or did he do the deed?

If you have any ideas, drop them off to me in a review. Otherwise, use the review system to tell me what you like and/or dislike about the fic and I'll endeavour to make it all better.

Myrtle the Tyrtle 


	3. Chapter 3: Snivellus

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE THREE – SEVERUS SNAPE**

**Birth Name: **Severus Snape  
**Aliases: **Snivellus, Git, Half-Blood Prince  
**Hogwarts House: **Slytherin  
**Allegiance in the War:** Prefer not to state

**Severus Snape's statement is given below:**

Yes, I know you think I did it, but I'm innocent… of this murder anyway.

It's true that I am a Death Eater, and that I've always hated the boy and his father, and that I killed Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore – but I maintain that I am innocent.

For a start, I have an alibi.

Yes, an alibi. It's one of those excuses I have for not doing something. Of course, usually my alibis are made up. For example, "no, Albus, it wasn't me at the door listening to the prophecy because I was washing my hair." Completely plausible.

Anyway, on this particular day, I was in London, visiting an old friend.

What do you mean, Harry died in London? Grimmauld Place? Never heard of it in my life!

Yes, of course someone can confirm that! My friend… Sirius Black? I was at his house.

He's dead? Yes, I know Potter's dead. That's why I'm here, you turnip-head!

Oh, Black's dead? Has been for two or three years? So that's why he hasn't been returning my phone calls!

And you say, you have records of me cursing him every chance I got back at school? Well, I don't know what kind of records these are, but…

A signed confession? As if I would ever do such a thing! Black was my…

Oh, Remus! What a surprise! I see you're working for the AIDS Force now! Well, you'll tell toady here that I was best friends with that blood traitor Black back at Hogwarts, won't you?

No! Don't listen, Dolores! They're lies! All of them! I'd never hurt a fly!

What do you mean, do I want to see a pensieve memory? Of course I don't! That'll just prove I've been lying the whole…

Crap.

OK, look. I may have hated everything the boy ever loved, but I did not kill him.

You say he was murdered with the Avada Kedavra? Never used it in my life. Unless you're counting that time on the Astronomy tower…

Right.

Well, I would've poisoned the little brat to death; probably with something untraceable so you can't figure out it was me. And, then – because I'm a dirty great Slytherin litter lout – I'd leave the flask lying behind. Did you see one? No? No?

I'll be leaving, then.

Good day to you, Mrs Umbridge., Mr Lupin.

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**A/N: **OK, this may have been a little bit hard to follow but I'm fairly sure Snape is either guilty or innocent.

I'm not entirely sure, yet. I mean, what am I? The writer?

No, I'm **Myrtle the Tyrtle.**


	4. Chapter 4: Gred and Forge

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE FOUR – FRED WEASLEY AND GEORGE WEASLEY**

**Birth Names: **Frederic and George Weasley

**Aliases: **Fred and George, Gred and Forge

**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor

**Allegiance in the War:** Order of the Pheonix, the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes United Front at Defeating Foul Cows and Dark Wizards

**Fred Weasley and George Weasley's combined statement is given below:**

It's true.

We confess.

It was us.

(spluttering laughter)

Oh, come on, you really don't think that we killed Harry Potter?

You do?

(more spluttering laughter)

Look, er, oh – is that you cow, I mean, Professor Umbridge?

OK, we may have been the worst bastard kids you could have ever taught (remember the fireworks and the swamp?), but you honestly did deserve that.

And Harry? Well, he didn't.

He was a good bloke, that Harry, wasn't he George?

Sure was, Fred. Kind.

Caring.

Generous.

Courageous.

Downright stupid at times.

But, he was Harry. He was like a brother to us. He married our bleeding sister! And remember that time with the flying car…

No, Umbridge, we do not and have never owned a flying car or other motor vehicle.

Perhaps we should leave that bit for later…

But he was a nice bloke, Harry.

The best.

And that's why we can't see any reason why we would ever want to kill him.

Hang on… did you just ask us how we _would _kill him if we were given a chance to?

This could be interesting.

whispered discussion

OK, so we start out by dunking him in a huge vat of Polyjuice potion, then watch with laughter as he transforms into some old cow who left her hairbrush in the defence office after our seventh year. Then we feed him massive proportions of the Skiving Snackboxes he helped market a while back, then we – what do you reckon, Fred – test the unpatented, unapproved and unsafe merchandise on him?

Good plan, yeah. Although, generally he would be left with hundreds of burns, bruises and boils, and you said he was unmarked.

I believe that means we're innocent. _So _sorry for wasting your time, Professor… to make up for it, have this sweet.

On us, of course.

Bye-bye, Mrs Umbridge. Have a _lovely_ day…

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**A/N: **I think Umbridge might have missed lesson one of her teacher training at Hogwarts… never accept _anything_ from Fred and George Weasley.

I know its short, but please R&R.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle.**


	5. Chapter 5: Duddikins

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE FIVE– DUDLEY DURSLEY**

**Birth Names: **Dudley Dursley

**Aliases: **Duddikins, Big D

**Hogwarts House: **Muggle

**Allegiance in the War:** Muggle

**Dudley Dursley's statement is given below:**

OK, I'm here, and I have the money to pay my way out…

What do you mean you don't want my money? What kind of a freak are you?

Oh.

That kind of freak.

Look, I don't know why you want me. Potty doesn't even live in our house anymore, so I don't know what you…

What? Really! I must go tell m…

Ahh! What did you do that for! What….

A murder? Someone actually agreed that Potty's life wasn't worth living?

I mean, no, I would have no motive at all to kill er… what's his name… Harold?

Yeah, I meant that.

Anyways, we got on great, Harvey and me. Always playing… um… games…. We'd share goes on my playstation and watch TV and mum would always give him new clothes and lots of food and no chores honest.

I'm telling the truth, why don't you believe me, you…

Don't you point that thing at me!

OK, I was a bit off with the whole us being equals thing. Really, he was the biggest freak you could get with the whole glasses and scar and freaky magic talking to snakes thing.

A Parsley-What? Anyway, I would have had no reason to kill the little freak. Its not as if he ever made _my _life a living hell, or that he got better treatment over me.

Besides, you saysed he was killed with magic. If you hadn't picked up on this fact, I'm normal and don't do freak… don't you point that thing at me!

As I was saysing, I'm completely hundered percent normal, and don't do… er… that _stuff_ you fre…friendly people do. I'd have killed the freak a whole different way.

Well, I'd probably just bash him. He's such a pathetic weakling it wouldn't take that long at all. Care for a demo?

I'll be leaving, then.

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**A/N: **Never underestimate the power of Dudley. This shall be proven if I ever complete _Dudley Dursley and the Hidden Staff_. Which I might, if I get over the need to write more exciting stories like this one. How abouts you read it and get back to me whether its any good or not.

In other words, Read and Review!

**Myrtle the Tyrtle.**


	6. Chapter 6: Toadface

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE SIX – DOLORES JANE UMBRIDGE**

**Birth Name: **Dolores Jane Umbridge

**Aliases: **Dolly, Toadface

**Hogwarts House: **Hufflepuff

**Allegiance in the War:** Ministry

**Dolores Jane Umbridge's statement is given below:**

Remus J. Lupin! How dare you interview me! I am a single-minded Ministry official who cares nothing more than bringing the killer of Harry Potter to justice.

Oh. You found out about that little mishap, did you? Well, it was only _lines!_ Nothing terribly dangerous, like shoving a tennis ball…

You know about that too?

Good grief, man. What else do you know about me?

(long pause)

OK, OK, you can shut up now. Good grief!

No, I absolutely refuse to answer any more questions.

No! Put him down, you fiend! Put Mr. Fluffy Bunny down! There, there. Mummy's got you.

Fine, I'll talk.

Hem, hem.

It all began on the night the boy was killed. That may surprise you, Mr Lupin, but it has been proven that this was the date when it all began. I was out walking my little kitten Jenkins near my apartment in London when a little scrap of parchment blew up to me. I picked it up, and read it. It was an address to a house.

No, it was not Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. It was in fact Number 42 Wallaby Way, in the Australian quarter of town. I went there, and found a dentist. He fixed my teeth, and showed me a picture of his niece. I saw some fish, and watched as they tried to escape their tank. Then I went home and had a bubble bath.

Yes, that's the whole truth. I did not kill Harry Potter, even though I sincerely wanted to.

No, I will not say how I would have killed the boy. That could only wind me up in more trouble with Scrimgeour.

However, I will mention the words 'enchanted quill', 'bleeding to death' and 'being trampled on by a herd of kittens'.

Clip.

Clop.

Clip.

Clop.

He got what he deserved.

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**A/N: **Next up: Professor R. J. Lupin. Please review!

**Myrtle the Tyrtle.**


	7. Chapter 7: Moony

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE SEVEN – REMUS JOHN LUPIN**

**Birth Name: **Remus John Lupin

**Aliases: **Moony, Remy

**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor

**Allegiance in the War:** Order of the Phoenix, NOT the werewolves

**Remus John Lupin's statement is given below:**

This is absolutely absurd! What makes you think I would ever want to kill the boy, Dolores?

I am going to repeat what you just said so the world knows of your outrageous theories.

_Hem, hem. You're a dangerous half-breed werewolf, known to be in cahoots with the Dark Lord. You're a sadistic and violent bully, and have been known to hurt little children before. You're thoroughly pissed off that your best friend's son wasn't a girl, so you could have your wicked heterosexual way with her_.

In my opinion, the ministry should perhaps use its ill-gotten gold for better use, such as recording devices that pick up both sides of the story, or perhaps a Senior Under-secretary who isn't a racist bigot with an uncontrollable imagination and lust for power.

No, Dolores, I am not in any way a traitor to the Ministry; I just feel that it doesn't do everything it can in spite of the current situation.

And furthermore, I do not have a murderous bone in my body.

Except for my themerioid, which has been magically proven to be the bone responsible for the killing of small children by werewolves.

Er, not that I've ever used it, seeing that under your cruel Magical Species Legislation passed a while ago, I had it painfully removed without any anaesthetic.

Who's the bully now, Mrs Umbridge?

As for working with Voldemort, I have never done anything of the sort to aid him or his companions, the Death Eaters; only to find valuable information for our side, and to turn some of the werewolves over to us.

Which, as Ministry records have shown, is more than you have ever done, or are capable of doing.

I may have failed abysmally, but that does not mean that I would harm Harry. Oh, poor Harry, dead! He was the last one left in my family of Marauders, you know. Sirius and James and Harry… all murdered; and Peter as good as dead.

Inheritance? How dare you suggest that I could have pulled off a murder! Especially Harry! You know as well as I do that he was the only one who could have saved us from these dark times, and put a stop to it all. The prophecy…

You didn't know that, did you?

Crap.

Well, OK, I'll spill. Harry was prophesised as the only one who could kill Voldemort. Sure, you've got him locked up in the Department of Mysteries, but if he turned himself in, it would have been for a reason. A ploy to get into the Ministry. He could easily get into power now, Mrs Umbridge, and then we would all be worse of than under Fudge's disastrous rule, especially since Harry's gone.

And just to prove that I wasn't anywhere near Harry the night he died, you can check with Shirley Masters, the carer at Foster's home for werewolves. There were about thirty other wolves there, that full moon night, and they can all swear I was there, not rampaging around the countryside, killing aimlessly…

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**A/N: **I am planning, as suggested by Ghostwriter626 that we lock all the suspects up in a room together, and watch as a big mass brawl scene ensues. If you have any ideas about who else to throw into the mix, don't forget to let me know.

Oh, and about Remus's middle name… It took a lot of hard, difficult research, through several thousands of baby naming books before I finally found one that fitted.

My initial thought for it was 'Aaron' (mainly because it was the first name on the list), but it needed to start with a J. So John it is!

And to J.K. Rowling… if you are actually reading this, and have already given Lupin a name to be revealed in HP7, could you perhaps change it? Coz I kind of like John.

**John the Tyrtle (formerly known as Myrtle).**


	8. Chapter 8: The Weird Elf Who Wants Money

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE EIGHT – DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF**

**Birth Name: **Dobby  
**Aliases: **The Weird Elf Who Wants Money  
**Hogwarts House: **Magical Creature  
**Allegiance in the War:** Hogwarts

**Dobby's statement is given below:**

Harry Potter is what!

Boo hoo! Sob! Sniffle! Howl!

Dobby will not calm down, Mrs Umbitch! Dobby's Harry Potter is dead!

Boo hoo! Sob! Sniffle! Howl!

Dobby will be leaving now!

You thinks what, miss?

No! Never!

Dobby the House Elf did not kill Harry Potter!

Harry Potter freed Dobby from the wicked, evil…

Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

Pardon me, miss, but could miss get Dobby a Band-aid. Dobby's hand is bleeding badly.

Thank you, kind miss.

There. Now Dobby does not bleed! It is a miracle.

Now, what were you saying about Harry Potter?

No! Never! Harry Potter cannot be dead! Dobby doesn't know of this!

Boo hoo! Sob! Sniffle! Howl!

What was that? Miss thinks that Dobby…

No! Never! How could you think that Harry Potter, the giver of these socks Dobby is now wearing would be killed by Dobby! House elves isn't having that sort of magics!

You must apology Dobby now for thinking this bad thing!

Sub-human? Foul?

But house elves is having this sort of magic…

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**A/N: **Well, what do you know? I painstakingly researched a middle name for Lupin, and it turned out to be the one that JKR had already given him! If anyone knows her middle names for Dudley and Gred & Forge, could you let me know so I can edit their chapters.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	9. Chapter 9: Mione

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE NINE– HERMIONE JANE GRANGER**

**Birth Name: **Hermione Jane Granger

**Aliases: **Mione

**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor

**Allegiance in the War:** Dumbledore's Army and the Order of the Phoenix

**Hermione Jane Granger's statement is given below:**

Well it's about time you contacted me. I mean, as Harry's best friend, I'm sure that I'll be able to shed some light on the situation. Now… oh my goodness, you're Professor Umbridge! Anyhow, um, I've brought along a couple of books… OK, I suppose it is _a bit_ more than a couple, but they cite very good historical sources, such as the murder of Albus Dumbledore…

No, sorry Professor, could these questions wait? I've got quite a lot I need to tell you…

All right, fine. Go ahead.

No, I was not at or up to the point of Harry's death in any way in a romantic relationship with him. Why on Earth would you think that?

What? Draco said that? But how did he…

I mean, he's obviously making it all up. This is just like the case 'Bessy vs. Fergusson', from the 1700's…

Sorry, Professor. Please continue.

No, I would not have any reason to kill Harry. Even if I was having a secret relationship with him – which I am NOT – I would have preferred him alive, because contrary to what _Witch Weekly_ reporter Rita Skeeter (who _so_ could have done it) says, I do not have a fetish for dead people. It was just a miscommunication between me and Justin.

And if I was trying to break up the relationship between Harry and his wife – who happens to be the sister of my ex Ronald Weasley – I would have killed her instead.

Have you tried Voldemort? _Modern Magical History_ has got a great article about his attempts to kill Harry – including the most recent ten years ago in the Department of Mysteries, written by yours truly. It may be a little biased against the Ministry, but…

Professor! How dare you accuse me of being an anti-Ministry bigot? Just because it has failed to pass any Protection of House Elf Rights Legislation for the past thirty years doesn't mean it's a worthless establishment.

You know what I think? I think the Ministry took him down! There's plenty of evidence in… OK, no more books. But – if my sources are correct about the Rotfang Conspiracy – its possible that someone inside the Ministry has decided to knock Harry off for not siding with them during the War. I mean, they'd have all the resources (you say there were no traces on his body?), and the manpower to do it.

Of course, I have always found _Avada Kedavra_ to be quite tacky; a nice bit of Transfiguration would have done sufficiently… perhaps a bar of soap, so I could rub him all over me and completely dispose of him.

I feel this interview is done now, Professor, and now I really must use a bathroom. Is there one nearby?

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**A/N: **So, you Harry/Hermione shippers, how was this? The idea of a vengeful killing to get back at Harry was suggested by Harry-Potter-with-a-passion11, who owns no more of Harry Potter than I do.

At least, I hope not. Because then I'd be jealous.

Oh, and don't forget to keep your suggestions coming. For those of you who want to be included in this story, submit some info about how and/or why you would have killed Harry, and I can write you a chapter.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	10. Chapter 10: Gin

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE TEN – GINEVRA MOLLY POTTER**

**Birth Name: **Ginevra Molly Weasley

**Aliases: **Gin

**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor

**Allegiance in the War:** Dumbledore's Army and the Order of the Phoenix

**Ginevra Molly Potter's statement is given below:**

Hi, hi! Sorry I was late. Got caught up in the Floo Traffic, and…

Oh. My. God. They've actually let you back in the ministry? _Laughter ensues_.

OK, now seriously, Umby, what did you want me for? Oh, yeah, right. Forgot about that whole Harry Potter murder thing. Heard about it on the wireless the other week, you know the Celestina Warbeck news hour? It's right after the Celestina Warbeck singing hour, six-thirty weeknights…

You what?

Me?

Kill Harry Potter?

Not bloody likely. I mean, he's my husband! I, um, love him.

No, Professor, I would _not_ have any motive for killing him. Unless I was having an affair and wanted him out of the picture, or _he _was having an affair and I wanted revenge, or I wanted the millions of galleons in his Gringotts vault, that is.

And I will furtively deny any reason you throw at me in the Wizengamot. However, seeing as the Ministry obviously sees it in its best interests to have all interviews with its AIDS force in a broom closet even Rita Skeeter would frown at, I am fairly certain that here will have to do.

First up: my affair – not that there is one! I vowed to Harry on our wedding night that I would always love him forever and ever. He told me to shut up and kiss him, so being the complying girl I am, I agreed. Of course, you will note that he never made such a vow, which leads me to believe that:

Two: he had an affair. I'll bet my house that it was with that skank Hermione Granger. She never could get enough of him. Wouldn't even come to the wedding – something about washing her hair…

Thirdly – the whole money thing. I would never, ever, need to kill Harry to get his gold. It was agreed in the prenuptials that I would be given access to his vast inheritance… not there's much left now.

But the real main topic of conversation is Hermione Granger. Have you talked to her yet? I'm sure she'd know who did it because 1) she's such a brainbox, and 2) it was probably her. I was in fact outside her flat the afternoon before you say Harry died, when I heard noises of a sexual nature coming from the top floor bedroom. I couldn't be sure it was Harry, but before I could check up I had to go to a potions convention with the youthfully handsome Draco Malfoy. He'll assure you I was with him the night Harry was tragically taken from us, not cursing the cheating traitor into oblivion.

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**A/N: **At current I have two or maybe three more characters from canon to interview before I get started with the reasons you, my wonderful reader/reviewers have submitted. However, I am still needy of more, so send them in via the blue/grey box at the bottom corner of your screen.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**

**l (I think it's about here)  
l  
l  
v**


	11. Chapter 11: Ferret

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE ELEVEN – DRACO MALFOY THE FIRST, A WIZARD OF THE PUREST BLOOD FOR WHOM MIDDLE NAMES ARE TOO COMMON**

**Birth Name: **Draco Malfoy  
**Aliases: **Drakey, Ferret  
**Hogwarts House: **Slytherin  
**Allegiance in the War:** Ginny Weasley

**Draco Malfoy's statement is given below:**

Ah, Professor Umbridge! How's that new mansion of yours? If the rooms are a but empty, I'm sure I could offer you some shiny gold stuff to fill them up?

What?

Not accepting bribes? How do you expect to make it in the world if you don't accept bribes? You're never going to be the Minister if you don't share around the wealth!

Hang on… say that again?

Praise the Dark Lord, Harry Potter's been killed!

Well, duh, Professor. Of course I sound overjoyed. Potter was the worst thing that ever happened to Hogwarts. He was such a bully to me… always trying to duel me, or sneak into my commonroom to have his wicked way with me.

Yes, I'm sure he was a homosexual. How else could that Mudblood Granger ever stand to be around him? Two equally displeasing people, in a world that hates both of them. Can't quite understand how he ended up married to my sweet Ginevra, though.

Sorry, I, um… that just slipped out. Did it make it seem like me and Ginny-Winny are having a secret affair behind her dead husband's back while he's out hunting my former master (who, may I add, is still trying to find and kill me)? Oh, this is _so_ Desperate Housewives! (Note to self, video DHW).

Anyway, why would I want to kill Harry Potter? I can shag his wife all I want without him knowing! (Damn! I let it slip again! You're starting to lose it Draco!)

No, no, Professor. Not talking to myself, not at all. Draco isn't going crazy.

Besides, our school days are behind us. I have no quarrels with Potter… unless _he's_ having an affair behind my back with Pansy, Milly or Mione.

The devil! I swear on my father's grave that I will slaughter that adulterous little scoundrel, even if I have to manipulate the Room of Requirement into a torture chamber full of various instruments of pain and sacrifice.

But I almost forgot! He's already dead!

Please let me know when you find the culprit, Professor. Then if you also let me know the identity and whereabouts of said murderer, you may have any easier case to crack!

Mwa ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha… cough cough cough….

Could I perhaps have a throat lozenge?

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**A/N: **Unfortunately, I'm all out of throat lozenges, and Draco needs one real bad, like. If you have any to spare, could I borrow one via a review? It'd be most appreciated.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	12. Chapter 12: Col Doll

Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the _Avada Kedavra _Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE ELEVEN – COLIN CREEVEY**

**Birth Name: **Colin Creevey  
**Aliases: **Camera Nerd, Col Doll  
**Hogwarts House: **Gryffindor  
**Allegiance in the War:** Dumbledore's Army, _Witch Weekly_

**Colin Creevey's statement is given below:**

Oh my god it's that horrible toad teacher we had in fourth year!

Er… sorry about that, Professor. Am I allowed to call you 'Professor'? Anyway, I'm Colin Creevey for the _Witch Weekly_. I'm a photographer interested in what has been dubbed "Harry Potter and the Unsuccessful Murder Investigation". My reporter cohort (who is waiting outside, as she has not deigned to be named or even meet you at that) would like some answers, and being the overpaid little roach she is has designated that job to me.

Not allowed to ask questions? You haven't changed much have you? But, as the press say, let bygones be bygones and do not let old bad reps get in the way of a new career. Or something like that.

Me? A suspect? In the "Unsuccessful Murder Investigation"? Oh, I'd be delighted, Professor. It'll be like that party game. You know, where we both ask horribly soul-searching questions and the other person endeavours to answer it without gaining a stupid nickname like "Col Doll". Er, I didn't say that. So, um, go ahead.

Hmm… my association with Harry Potter… well, I was the President of the Hogwarts Branch of the Harry Potter Hearts Club for the years 1992-1996, and a member of the Dumbledore's Army that rebelled against you… not that you needed to know that, but… um… I haven't had a lot to do since he left school. He went around trying to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named… not that you'd know who that was, of course.

Ok, so my turn to do you. Why were you, possibly Harry Potter's least favourite teacher at school, put in charge of finding his murderer?

Really? And in just three minutes? We should get an exclusive with you, Ms. Umbridge!

Oh yeah, the whole discretion thing, right. Well, anyway, it's your turn.

Why did I feel the need to kill Harry Potter? Why would I ever do that? He was my idol… well, until he wouldn't let me play keeper for Gryffindor. He let that ape Cormac McLaggen play, and that crazy loon Ron Weasley. They say he was only put on because he was the captain's friend! I tried to get someone to write an article about it, but because it was so long ago nobody cared any more. That's another thing with the press, Dolores – can I call you Dolores? – They don't care for old stories. Always the new ones, like Voldemort killing blood traitors and Muggles.

So, I guess it's my turn now. Are you a natural blonde? (gasp!) I never would have guessed!

This is getting really fun! Your turn!

How would I have killed him, given the circumstances above? This conversation isn't being recorded, is it? Good. In that case, I would have blinded him with my camera flash (makes up for the time he was mean to me in First Year, then got my kind friend who is waiting outside to write outrageous scandals about him, before watching him die of a broken heart, as he learns that his fame is lost.

So... are you… single?

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**A/N: **Poor, poor, Colin. Somebody get him a shrink! Dolores Umbridge is not one for whom to go looking for love with!

Alibis and reasons to kill are still being accepted! And, finally, unless you're really lucky tomorrow night, this might be the last update until the end of January 'coz its summer in NZ (regardless of the situation outside – 15deg days and rain for those who don't know!!!) so we're off to the beach for a week. Sorry for keeping you waiting!

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	13. Chapter 13: Beetlejuice

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.**

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE ELEVEN – RITA SKEETER**

**Birth Name:** Rita Skeeter  
**Aliases:** Beetlejuice, That Blasted Reporter  
**Hogwarts House:** Ravenclaw  
**Allegiance in the War:** Whoever's Winning

**Rita Skeeter's statement is given below:**

My, oh, my, you do look like an oversized toad, don't you. Col Doll wasn't joking!

OK, look, I want answers. One: Who killed Harry Potter? Two: Have you ever had a secret heartthrob? And Three: Why in the blazes of hell was my photographer sent out of your office in tears?

Oh, so you want answers do you? What a mighty fine long list of questions. I'd better take notes. I hope you don't mind my Quick Quotes Quill.

Ahem.

_One: How did Rita Skeeter get so glamorous? Two: Why am I such a bitch? Three: Where can I find a nice pond and settle down with a wart-infested mole like myself? Four…_

No! You wouldn't dare? Not the… bug spray! Ahhh!

OK, I'll talk, I'll talk. You want to know who killed Harry Potter? Well, I can tell you who killed Harry Potter. Word on the street says it was the Giant Squid.

Yeah, that's what I thought when I first heard it. So I went down to the school to check it out. And you know what I found? I don't think you're gonna believe…

OK, OK, I'll make with the story.

I was down by the lake when I stumbled across some giant footprints in the mud. They were too big to belong to a normal sized person – or perhaps any person at that. My immediate guess was my old friend Squiddy. Using a highly irregular method of surveillance – which basically means raiding the Old Greaseball's Potions Storeroom – I located a contact, and proceeded to make words with her.

That didn't go down too good. Young Myrtle burst into tears when she remembered that she was dead, but knowing that her good friend Harry could be there soon made her cut to the chase and spill the beans.

It took us a while to pick those beans up (they were all covered in slippery mould, for her deathday party), but after we had done that she told me what she knew. Kind of reminds me of the time I was in Seattle…

Look, Ms Umbridge, please don't intterup--- OK, OK already. I'll continue. Just put the can down.

Three days earlier, Moaning M had seen the squid leaving the lake, due to some extranatural, superordinary event. Might have been magic, I can't say for sure.

Yes, Umbridge, I know that Harry Potter was killed before then. Guess that means you can strike Squiddy off the suspect list, and I'll be leaving.

What? How dare you! I hardly even know Potter… unless you count that time almost 15 years ago when I kind of accidentally got his reputation ruined by writing stories in the _Prophet_. But he's never done anything to me! His little mistress – yes, I know about his affair with that Granger girl – was different. She had me locked up in a glass jar, for crying out loud! If I'd kill anyone it would be her. And I'd do it painfully… trap her in a glass prison and see how long it takes _her_ to run out of oxygen!

Er, I've said too much. I hope this doesn't get out! Journalists are just _bullies_!

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**A/N:** I said I wouldn't, but I did! A quick chapter squeezed in before I left for a glorious week in the cloud, or even better, sun. Keep those reasons, alibis and methods of murdering the tragic young hero, and I will publish them when I return!

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	14. Chapter 14: Tiksrouks

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.**

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE FOURTEEN – TIKSROUKS**

**Birth Name:  
****Aliases:** Tiksrouks  
**Hogwarts House:** Fanficcer  
**Allegiance in the War:** Fanfiction . net

**Due to unforeseen circumstances (i.e. someone spilling Butterbeer on the official records) the Birth Name for the Fanficcer 'Tiksrouks' is illegible. His statement, however is given below:**

Hey, mom, what's for breakfast? Uh… mom? Why are you looking at me funny and holding that wand at me in a menacing way? Mom? Wand? Holy underpants, you're not my mom – you're Professor Umbridge!

And this… this is the interrogation room at the Department of Mysteries… just like I was reading about in that Harry Potter story on the net!

Which means… NO!!!!

Harry Potter is dead, and you think I did it! Well I have absolutely no idea why, but…

Making fun of him? You have records? How dare you?

Well I've got news for you, foul beastie. I did not kill Harry Potter and I will not say another word in case I accidentally leak out how I would have killed him, given the chance, like that git Snape did in Chapter Three.

Nope.

Not a wod.

Sorry, that should have been _not a word_.

Just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs till you let me go.

Doo de doo.

Dum de dum.

Look, lady, let me out of here before I go get Professor Binns and bore you to death. That's how I'd have done it to Harry, if I was evil and mean.

Oops.

Can we just forget that last bit?

Please?

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**A/N:** Exceptionally sorry for the delay! I arrived back home a week ago, then promptly became seriously ill and had to spend several nights in hospital. All well now though. I think. Also, thank you all for the tremendous shock to come home and find 44 unread emails in my inbox! Just makes me the little bit more happier to know that most of them were reviews. Back at school next week, so I'll try and make the most of my time here.

And finally (this is quite a long A/N, isn't it!), you will have noticed that I am now doing fanficcers, so if you want in, let me know! Info to fill in the first four headings would be good, and a reason, method and alibi.

Myrtle the Tyrtle 


	15. Chapter 15: Angel

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.**

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE FIFTEEN – ANGEL OF MUSIC LOVER**

**Birth Name:  
****Aliases:** Angel of Music Lover  
**Hogwarts House:** Fanficcer  
**Allegiance in the War:** Fanfiction . net

**Kudos to the person who invents Butterbeer that will not form a large stain over certain suspects' Birth Names. This individual's statement, stained as may be, is given below:**

Woah! Check it out! It's Professor Umbridge! Look, all you fairies flying around my head, one of the most hated teachers at Hogwarts has entered my dreams…

Not a dream? But the fairies? Everything seemed so real, and…

Ahhh! Professor Umbridge! No!

I'm warning you! I… I… I have socks!

Ha! You're scared now! So, tell me, fiend teacher, why am I here?

Gah? I made suspicious comments on an Internet website regarding the death of one Harry James Potter? So it is true then! Harry Potter has been killed!

Not that I'm excited, of course. I love Harry. In fact, I love him so much I've even contributed several stories about him…

On second thoughts, forget that. It could be counted as pre-meditated murder.

But anyway, Umbridge. Reviewers to a certain story about this exact scenario have been guessing that it was you all along, and you took this job here as a cover. We just don't believe that you're innocent. I mean, all those references to a popular Muggle – well blow me down, I'm a Muggle! – movie… it just didn't seem quite in character for you. Of course, fanfic writers often use Out-Of-Character characters, but I'm sure that Myrtle the Tyrtle would not use these, as the death of Harry is VERY SERIOUS AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. Shame on all those who mock it!

Now… in your confessional, you mentioned would kill Harry, with much pain. We all know that you hated him, so we find it very believable that you would kill him.

As for me, if I were to kill young Harry… I would force him to listen to tales of my socks, including their names. And you will be getting all 153 of them if you don't let me go right now.

It all began on the third of May four years ago. It was my birthday, and I was fortunate to receive Mr Pinky and his wife (aptly named Mrs Pinky)…

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**A/N:** For those of you who, after two chapters, have not noticed that I am now doing fanficcers and are worried that there are still some characters unaccounted for, they will be put in between fanficcers' chapters. I have plans for Luna, Lockhart and Krum. Let me know if there are more I should add.

Also, if you want in, let me know! Info to fill in the first four headings would be good, and a reason, method, alibi and additional information if you want it included.

Myrtle the Tyrtle 


	16. Chapter 16: The Giant Prat

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.**

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE SIXTEEN: PERCY WEASLEY**

**Birth Name:** Percy Ignatius Weasley  
**Aliases:** Perce, The Giant Prat  
**Hogwarts House:** Gryffindor  
**Allegiance in the War:** Ministry of Magic

**Percy Weasley's statement is given below:**

Ah, Madam Umbridge, I've brought you the firewhisky you called for.

A seat? Well, my legs are a bit tired – it's quite a hike to get down here – so maybe I'll stay for just a moment.

So, if you don't mind me asking, Ma'am, what exactly does this job entail?

Oh, of course I understand why you wouldn't want to discuss it. I believe it must be quite tiresome.

What? No! Never! Madam Umbridge, I do not know where you get these crazy ideas from, but I would never… I would never even think about…

You sicken me.

Murdering Harry Potter though… now that's another story. You've probably heard about the falling out I had with the family, what with that blind date with Charlie last month, so I haven't had much of a chance to see anyone of late, and mother did always think of Harry as a surrogate son.

But considering our history, I don't actually think I would have had reason to kill the boy. I mean, we shared a tent at the Quidditch World Cup! I think he was as much a brother to me as young Ronnie.

But then… that matter with Scrimgeour a few years down the track – Christmas '96, last time I saw mum – his attitude had completely changed! Would you believe he was against the Ministry! And of course there's his school record, too. Out after hours, dropped out before NEWTS, brewing illegal potions, didn't make Prefect… like a third Fred or George, if you ask me.

But nobody could forget the time he invaded the Ministry with his cohorts – tore the place to bits, he did. Completely ruined my new Venezuelan carpets. And… wait. I almost forgot.

There was that _incident_, I gathered wind of, thanks to my contacts at the _Witch Weekly_. In a broom closet, after the Quidditch finals, with a certain red-headed girl who just so happened to be my baby sister.

If he ever laid another hand on her – let alone looked at her again – I'd… I'd… I'd… flog him so hard he won't be able to see her, even with three pairs of those ghastly round spectacles.

He what? Married? That little…

Please excuse me for a moment, Dolores. I need to go and take my anger out on my pillow. Oh, and I've changed my mind. I'll pick you up at eight.

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**A/N:** A short interlude between the harsh interviewing of fanfic writers. I hope you enjoyed it. If so (or if not) a helpful review would be… um, helpful, I guess.

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


	17. Chapter 17: Loony

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.**

**If I Did It, Here's How It Happened**

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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**SUSPECT FILE SEVENTEEN: LUNA LOVEGOOD**

**Birth Name:** Luna Lovegood  
**Aliases:** Loony Lovegood  
**Hogwarts House:** Ravenclaw  
**Allegiance in the War:** Oh, I don't really mind. Just not the Death Eaters, though. Or the Ministry. They're just as bad.

**Luna Lovegood's statement is given below:**

Oh, I know you! You're Ginny's brother. The one they never talk about, unless the word 'prat' is in the same sentence. Yeah… and you're that batty old teacher we had in fourth year. I never really liked you.

Anyway, I heard you were having a bake sale on the second floor, and thought I'd pop in to see if you wanted any help on the Harry Potter case. I knew him, you know. He was the only person who truly believed in me back at school. He even took me to one of Professor Slughorn's parties – as a friend, mind you. I didn't have any romantic connections with him. That was Ginny. Have you asked her?

Oh, anyway, I thought I'd mention the fact that he was actually a hero! Did you know he defeated Voldemort when he was a baby? Maybe you should ask Voldy if he killed Harry? Or maybe Snape? He killed Dumbledore, did you know? But it was really all part of a conspiracy – Dumbledore wanted to die because he knew that Rufus Scrimgeour was onto him about the importation of Opaleye droppings. I heard that he was using them as a stimuli for…

Fine interrupt me then. I don't care if this report needs to be G-rated. Anyway what could be worse than murder?

Oh.

Ugh.

OK, stop now, please!

Questions? No, daddy forbade me to answer questions from the Ministry. He says that they're trying to steal our opinions. If you ask me, every word of it is true. Especially what they're saying – Hermione Granger killed him. She was a nice girl, but we never seemed to get on well. Probably because she wanted Harry, and thought I wanted Harry, but I didn't. It's a good thing she didn't kill me.

Anyway… people have tried to kill Harry before. Do you know Draco Malfoy? He's a meanie… I'm sure he could have done it. Ooh, ooh, he tried to kill Harry when I was in year one. At the duelling club? It was run my Gilderoy Lockhart. Maybe you should interview him? Ginny told me that Hermione told her that Lavender told Pavarti that Seamus said Ron had mentioned the fact that Lockhart tried to modify his memory in the Chamber of Secrets once. I'm sure he's capable of murder.

Me? No, silly, I wouldn't hurt a fly. Besides, everyone knows if you kill someone you get the Lurgies chasing after you for the rest of your life.

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**A/N:** Long hiatus, I'm sorry. I had school. Yes I know that education is no excuse for not being here to satisfy you fanfic addicts, but…. y'know. Life's life, after all. Also, I have a new fic being written at the same time so go read that one too. I think it's cool. It's called **SEVEN DAYS OF FAIRY TALES**. If you can't work out the plot from that, go read the summary, or better yet, the actual story! And reviews are most welcome!

**Myrtle the Tyrtle**


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